


nothing good ever happens at the goddamn whole foods

by softcoregore



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Adult Losers Club (IT), Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Eddie voice: I survived bitch, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Quarantine and Chill, inspired by current events, quarantine!au, they do be gay doe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:08:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23320711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softcoregore/pseuds/softcoregore
Summary: Richie and Eddie, stuck in lockdown together.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 7
Kudos: 66





	1. bored in the usa

**Author's Note:**

> yes, that is a father John misty reference, uwu. 
> 
> also if the writing seems a bit crazy just know I am crazy, so theres that.

Day 1 of quarantine is not looking promising.

Richie never really thought it’d go well, even being alone he would likely end up annoying himself. But Eddie was so unlucky as to be staying at his apartment when they announced the lockdown, and now they were stuck with each other for at least 4 weeks.

The morning started on a weird note. They’d gone to bed having just found out about the lockdown — Eddie had been staying at Richie’s for the past few weeks, having served Myra the divorce papers the minute they returned from Derry, leaving their brownstone and coming to stay with Richie, the only other person he knew in New York. They’d gotten along as expected in the time since Derry and It, bickering accompanied with a few heartfelt moments. Eddie was still recovering from the stab wound through his chest, so couldn’t really do much other than work from home and walk around the neighbourhood when he wanted fresh air.

Richie, however, was out of his apartment nearly every day, at Netflix meetings or writing for SNL - he had been a cast member, a few years prior, but he didn’t really have the mental stability to have to put on a straight man persona for so many people basically 24/7. Luckily as a writer he could just hide in a room, write his sketches, pitch them and leave, and often he was one of the funniest writers there when he was honest - although many read his sketches as written through the characters in the sketch, never really questioning why he always nailed the gay character. Since the reunion he had come out of his shell even more during the writing sessions, partially because he felt less ashamed about being gay and partially because the terror of It was always greater than any terror he had and would ever feel from Lorne Michaels or any of the guest stars, so he no longer felt like he should go for the “safe” option.

Hell, Richie had even pitched a new stand-up special with Netflix, promising them it would be better than the last. All he had to do now was come out.

That was besides the point, though. The point was Richie and Eddie had co-existed in a Manhattan apartment in near harmony until now.

Now they had to spend every minute of every day with each other and it was unlikely to go well.

The first task of Quarantine day 1 was to head to Whole Foods (Richie hated it but Eddie nearly came at the thought of the 100s of options for organic, non-GMO, free-radical beating meals) and even this they did together.

Eddie initially offered to go alone, but Richie knew if this happened then there wouldn’t be a single tasteful (read: processed) foodstuff in the grocery bags when they returned home. Also, Richie had a weird addiction to dried mango and he knew Eddie would NOT pick up enough to last the week.

So off they trekked, if a 5 minute walk was considered a trek, and now the bickering began.

First of all, the Whole-foods was packed, like 1000 sardines in the space of an eraser. They both had an argument with a 20 year old in a pair of lulu lemon leggings for the last shopping cart (obviously they lost) and within minutes had already bumped into several people who had opinions on Richie’s comedy career. Eddie had given those that dared to make a negative comment a snarky reply, which Richie appreciated deep down, but felt a strong need to start an argument over Eddie about how he should just leave it alone (he couldn’t tell you why he started it, whether it was the self-deprecation or the stifling feeling of being stood up for).

Not only was it packed, but Eddie wanted every niche product that seemed to be in the oddest corners of the store. When Richie joked that he should just get Olive Oil instead of Mongongo Nut Oil (whatever that is), Eddie gave him a look most would shrivel at, and started lecturing him about the properties of Vitamin E, which was the moment Richie began to switch off. The concerning thing was how the look stirred something inside of him that warmed to it, rather than shrinking at it. Richie knew what that something was, but now was not the time for it to be at the forefront of his system.

Now he and Eddie were having arguments over every item, mainly because Richie got some inane joy from calling Eddie’s pedantic choices and corrections stupid, and Eddie liked to entertain Richie’s comments with vocal aggression.

Eventually, with a lot of bickering, they’d picked up all of their weird goods, like Richies $50’s worth of dried mango, and Eddies strange oils and dried nuts and were at the checkout, mere minutes from the whole endeavour being over. Eddie made some comment about the chicken salad Richie picked up, (“It probably has a bacteria crawling over it, I mean that fridge was hardly below the danger zone temperature!”) and Richie was getting ready to infuriate Eddie by telling an anecdote about when he ate 5-day-old, room pizza, when a sort-of whiny, feminine voice cut through.

“Oh my God! You guys are so adorable with your play-fighting! Like you’re just so cute! How long have you been together?” The voice piped from behind him and Eddie, stood at the end of the conveyor.

They both turned around to see a 20-something woman stood there, green juice on the belt behind their stuff, looking overly happy.

“Um thank you but we’re not-“ Richie began, feeling more than awkward that he put Eddie in the situation where he was called gay, even though Richie knows it’s not a bad thing, but still. He didn’t know where Eddie stood on the whole issue, even if Richie had finally put any internalised homophobia to rest in his own mind.

Eddie cut him off before he could continue, startling the woman

“Why is it your business how long we’ve been together? Would you find us cute if we were straight? Or do you just find us cute because we’re a gay couple? We’re literally 2 forty year old men, nothing about us is cute.”

At this point, the poor girl was trembling, clearly trying to come up with a response to Eddie’s tyrant of words. In the meantime, to avoid the absolute awkwardness of the situation, Richie took their grocery bags and paid for their stuff.

Before the girl could respond, Richie intervened, pushing two of the bags into Eddie’s arms.

“Look I’m sorry for him, he’s just grouchy because of this virus thing.” He directed to the woman, who was now just confused and lost for words.

Nothing else could be said, as Richie pulled Eddie out of the store, still glowering. As they turned down the block, Eddie exploded.

“She was just so rude. Like how can you just come up to someone and ask that. Does she have no concept of a private life?” He stormed down the street while Richie walked beside him, his height making up for Eddie’s fast-paced walk. “Plus, she was definitely just fetishising us as a gay couple. Like I am not a cute person, I am a 40 year old divorcee with a stab scar in my face. I refuse to believe anyone could call that cute.”

Richie just took a few breaths and laughed a lil.

“Yeah, she totally could be fetishising. Or she’s just a sweet woman who just got unnecessarily shouted at. I appreciate you trying to fight for gay liberation for us gays but it’s really not necessary,” He reasoned with Eddie, who was still red in the face and quickly shortening their normally-5-minute walk home. “Also, sometimes you can be cute. Like when you get really mad, I know you think you look terrifying, but you still manage to look cute. I think it’s cause you’re short.”

Out of nowhere, Eddie stopped, leaving Richie a still walking ahead of him on the sidewalk before he noticed.

“Eds, what?” Richie stopped, looking confused at Eddie, who looked like he was trying to solve an enigma, or trying to have a really hard shit. Richie didn't think his jab at Eddie being short had been that much of a blow to his ego.

“You’re gay?”

Richie’s brain caught up with what he just said, analysing his every word until he realised his mistake. He didn’t want to deny it now Eddie had asked it, though. He also didn’t plan for his coming out to be in front of a niche wedding cake store on a street in the middle of East Village. Eddie was still staring, his eyes boring a hole into Richie’s brain.

“I mean, could you not tell?” Richie tried affirmation with humour, still too scared to say yes. He gathered Eddie wasn’t homophobic based on his tirade about gay fetishisation not 5 minutes ago, but still. It was different when it was a friend, someone you actually knew rather than a concept.

“Could I not- You make so many girlfriend jokes! I think the whole social justice side of the internet thinks you’re a patriarchal, heterosexual prick.” Spluttered Eddie, still red in the face. He began walking again, now side by side with Richie.

“I mean yeah. But that was before… It. I didn’t tell you guys, but my Pennywise terrors weren’t clowns or shit when we saw It again. It was just It taunting me about being, well, being gay. And it was only when we defeated It, when I finally felt, I don’t know, free? This is getting too fuckin’ deep I hate talking about this shit, but I realised It would always have power over me if I kept being ashamed of myself. And I know I should’ve told all of you, but it didn’t seem important, especially since you were in the hospital. I mean, when I was finally at peace with something I’ve been consciously ashamed of for thirty years, I wasn’t in a rush to tell anyone.” Richie finished, looking determinedly forward. He didn’t want to even glance at Eddie, for fear there would be any disapproval in his face. 

As they made it to their building, Eddie replied as Richie opened the door with his keys.

“No, I get it. I saw things with It that I probably wouldn’t want to tell you about either. I didn’t expect it, but I suppose looking back it makes sense, you were CLEARLY exaggerating. Like no one believed you lost your virginity with you was 15, I hope you realise that. Even Ben didn’t think it, and Ben once got scared you actually had sex with his mom after one of your jokes.”

Richie huffed out a laugh as he got into the elevator (there was no damn way he was climbing up 10 flights of stairs), glancing at Eddie’s face. Eddie looks back, without a hint of reservation or coldness. It felt like the most acceptance Richie had felt in his life.

Eddie nudged him as the elevator went up.

“You know I’m okay with it, right? They’d all be okay with it too, if you ever told them.”

Richie nodded, his reply catching in his throat. Instead he just nudged Eddie back and unlocked the door to their apartment, dumping the bags on the counter and beginning to unpack as Eddie grabbed a bottle of the weird cold brew shit he liked out the fridge. Eddie began the head to his “office” (I mean Richie was a Netflix featured comedian. His apartment unnecessarily had a spare room and two offices, for the sake of bragging about the square footage), when he stopped. Richie looked up to the halting of his footsteps, confused as to why Eddie had just stopped, only to see Eddie staring at him from the doorway.

“What’s up, Eds?” Richie asked, now on his way to concerned by Eddie’s lack of anything-else-but-staring.

“Just so you know, I’m gay too. Just thought I should get that off my chest too.” Eddie responded, staying straight faced as he nodded and then turned and speed-walked to his “office”.


	2. i love you, honeybear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie is gay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is really disjointed I do this thing with fics where I write like one or two chapters and then never finish them so I am determined to finish this! But it has taken weeks and I still havent caught up on uni work lol :]
> 
> Also if anyone wants to listen to my richie tozier playlist it is called ‘beep beep’ on spotify! This is basically what I imagine richie listens to (and its also what I like & listen to while writing lol) (if theres more than one its the one with fjm in it lol)
> 
> enjoy, eoin!

He was just waiting at this point.

Richie could claim he was just “chilling” in the living room but it’d been too long; in reality, he was just waiting for Eddie to make an appearance. When Eddie had initially said he was gay, Richie’s brain had taken a mini-vacation, leaving him stood still just processing what had just happened. By the time his classic loudmouth had kicked in, it was too late, he could already hear the conference call that had started — and as annoying as Richie is, even he knew that he was risking certain death by yelling about being gay (or yelling about anything, really) in one of Eddie’s conference calls. 

He was just so confused — maybe it’s because he only recently came out or something but he swore gay people were meant to have a functioning “gaydar” and his did not go off at all when he thinks about Eddie. Then again maybe it’s because he’s so close to Eddie, and he barely accepted the truth about himself, let alone think about one of his recently remembered childhood friends who was married to a woman. 

Not that Richie doubted that Eddie was gay - just because he was once married to a woman didn’t change whether he was gay or not. Richie especially understood the desire to deny something deep inside, or not even realise your identity. Even though he didn’t forget being gay, there was a part of him (a part of It) that had convinced him it was so shameful. He supposed it was similar for Eddie. Myra was horrible, abusive and almost definitely was a form of It, like a fragment left haunting Eddie even after he had forgotten about It. 

Richie wondered when Eddie found out he was gay, if it was something that It had kept from him for all these years, or if it was something he denied too. Or was it something he was forced to deny by the presence of his mom and Myra?

I mean, he would ask him these questions but Eds wouldn’t leave his office. So he was left to his pondering.

A few hours more had passed, Richie had put on Netflix, decided it was all shit, tried Hulu (also shit), put on music, decided he wasn’t in the mood for anything too happy and had settled for a random indie folk playlist — normally full of sad music he could stare at the ceiling and want to cry to.

Whilst he was doing his existential staring, just waiting for Eddie’s typing to cease and for some actual interaction to be made so he could be certain he didn’t make this up, an FJM song came up on shuffle. Typically, Richie could rely on this dad-folk to keep his mood, but it only made things worse.

Because in reality, he loved Eddie. Like loved-loved him, like ‘my love, you’re the one I wanna watch the ship go down with’ love. Like, he carved their initials into a wooden bridge when he was 13 love. 

He had spent so much time having forgotten his first (and maybe only) love that he didn’t even know what it meant to love someone. He had spent 23 years loveless for the sake of not being able to love, thinking he was broken, making jokes about a girlfriend he never had. And then he got a call from a number he knew deep down, and he vomited and still went and he fell in love all over again. He had to cope with that suffocating feeling of “Oh my fucking God I love you and I have always loved you and I will always love you and I haven’t felt this in so long” and he made jokes and focussed on the bigger task in hand. 

And then Eddie got stabbed and Richie had to sit in a shit fucking plastic chair and hold his hand whilst he healed in a hospital bed, and he could ignore his feelings then because Eds was injured, his all-encompassing love wasn’t a top priority. 

Heading home, he had thought maybe now he could actually deal with everything, get a therapist, tell her all his deepest secrets (minus the fucking clown, he didn’t want to be put on anti-psychotics), maybe attempt to move on from his newfound old straight best friend who was MARRIED. 

But then the motherfucker divorced his wife and moved in with him. 

Richie could deal with that though, he was straight, it was not even on the stratosphere that there was any reciprocation possible. Instead, he was a supportive (and annoying) best friend, watched shitty TV shows with him that he pedantically attacked, went out for meals with him where he bitchily asked for a list of allergens (and then Eddie eventually realised he wasn’t allergic to shit). 

And now it turns out he’s gay? 

It’s like Richie can’t turn off any of his feelings now, or hide them behind impossibilities. They’ve hit him head-first in his chest, dancing across the ceiling as he lays. 

This must’ve been how it was for Ben, all those years ago, knowing there’s a possibility he and Bev could be together, but not knowing if it will ever happen. Except Ben is kind and selfless to a point, his inner turmoil was likely justified with the fact he just wanted Bev happy.

And truth is, Richie is the same. He does just want Eddie to be happy, especially since he came out. Richie wants him to find a guy and settle down and get a cat he’d probably complain about shedding but still love, and work his risk analyst job and be happy. But a non-negligible part of him knows he would be so fucking unhappy if that happened. Richie’s not a stupid person, he has some self-introspectiveness. He knows if Eddie was in a relationship with someone other than him, he would be an asshole about it. Sure he would know it’s what is best, Eddie’s happiness, but fuck would he become a dick. And then he’d lose Eddie altogether and he’d have to deal with that wrenching loss and he doesn’t think he could love again, not as deeply.

Well, certainly never as deeply. Because no one he dates is going to believe his stories about forgetting his entire childhood and fighting an inter-dimensional fucking clown twice in his lifetime, and maybe saving the world (or at least his best friends). Yeah, he’ll find someone who he likes, who he could maybe imagine a future with. But he’s never found someone who fills his gaps as Eddie does. Maybe it’s because of the trauma they went through, but he feels like they mould together to form a whole, in the way people rarely do. That’s probably why Ben and Beverly work so well because they grew with each other and into each other. Richie wouldn’t be surprised if Bill and Mike got together, even in just a platonic, let’s-stay-together-for-the-rest-of-our-lives type of way. 

Really, after all they went through, they’re the only people for each other. 

He just wanted to ask Eddie about it, but he was still typing away (or so it sounded), and Richie could even hear some muffled grumping, as presumably someone fucked up in their reports or figures. Richie didn’t know, he gave up with math after college, and even in college when he was looking at career options, it looked boring as fuck. To be frank, everything looked boring to him back then, which is why he forced himself into a life of making 'your mom' jokes.

Looking back, Richie is surprised Eddie does risk analysis. Sure, it’s the kind of shit Sonia would’ve told him to do, a safe job in finance, and he would be mighty prepared considering Sonia hammered being anally retentive into Eddie, but it didn’t really fit him as a career. He didn’t know what else he would do, but he remembered Eddie always loving art in middle school, even drawing comics himself. He also used to love English and all the analysis shit in that, breaking down the meanings of words. He wasn’t a writer like Bill was, or poetic like Ben, but he knew how to be critical (made sense really).

Maybe the only way to get Eddie out of his office was to cook a meal. Then he had no excuse not to stop his work, cause it was nearing 5 pm anyway, and most of the stuff he was doing could be done at any other time — quarantine meant no one needed to observe a rigorous workday apart from key workers.

Richie got up - fuck it, he's gonna make a chilli. He would make something more interesting, but truth be told he doesn't have the most developed of cooking skills. Sure, he can make a nice mac & cheese, a decent spaghetti bolognese and at a push, rice and peas, but beyond that his skills were lacking. He certainly could never cook something that required more than 15 minutes of prep time, which is why most of what he cooked is the kind of shit that you stick in a pot and let cook.

It was easy enough to get everything chopped and in the pot, avoiding the weird oils Eddie had bought for normal vegetable oil, browning the meat and all that shit. It was chilli, it wasn't rocket science. All he had to do now was wait, with the rice on and the chilli cooking, all was left was for it to be done and plated up - and for Eddie to come out of his room.

Fuck it, Richie was just going to knock. It could hardly seem like pandering if he had a genuine reason outside of the whole gay thing to go in. 

Knocking on the door, he heard Eddie pause his fervent typing.

"Richie?" The muffled shout came from behind the door.

"Uh, Yeah?" He could hear a huff from behind the door, and steps coming up. The door opened and there Eddie was, looking slightly stressed but still the same as in the morning.

"I knew it was you, idiot. I meant it as a, 'Why are you knocking?'." He looked exasperatedly at Richie, clearly trying to figure out what was occurring and why the fuck Richie had turned into a knocker.

Richie was expecting more hesitation or awkwardness between them, butEddie must've mentally moved on from the situation, something Richie definitely couldn't do.

"Oh, uh. I made you dinner?" Sheepishly, he looked at Eddie, who now had an expression of surprise planted on his face.

"You made dinner? Most nights we've either had takeaway or I've had to cook because you claimed incompetency." Eddie somehow managed to look down to him, despite being physically shorter.

"That is true, however, I may have been lying because I couldn't be bothered to cook. Anyway, I made chilli and it will be ready in, like, 5 minutes, so finish your stupid numbers shit." He backed away and began walking back to the kitchen, ignoring Eddie still stood at his door staring. He felt like there was still some kind of tension between them, even if Eddie didn't notice it. Why there was tension, Richie didn't know. 

"Hey, you're the one who majored in math!" Eddie shouted back, but Richie just smiled and kept walking. 

As Richie was plating up the food, Eddie came out of his office, leaning against the counter and surveying Richie's ability to put beef and rice into a bowl. Richie handed him his bowl, picked up two pilsners and headed into the living room, passing Eddie one of the beers once he'd sat down.

"Richie, this actually looks good.” Eddie remarked, sounding genuinely surprised. Richie knew rationally that it probably was a surprise but still, he pretended to be faux-hurt.

“That’s what your mom said,” Richie began, despite knowing that a your mom joke didn’t make sense anymore. “When she saw my dick.”

He thought he actually saw the millisecond Eddie went from surprised to disgusted.

“What the fuck, Rich. She’s dead and your gay.” He looked at Richie with equal-parts annoyance and bemusement.

“She’s my only exception.” Winking, he smiled somewhat creepily at Eddie.

In return he just got a completely deadpan reaction.

Well, not every joke lands.

Silence passed between them, not uncomfortable if only for the low volume of the tv playing some rerun of a 90s sitcom.

Richie was almost done with his plate, pretty much full anyway (and what was it they said about only eating until you’re 80% full). He decided, was determined to bring up the whole “Eddie announcing he’s gay” thing.

Apparently Eds had also decided that precise moment was perfect for him to begin, as the room went from relative quiet to a cacophony of unintelligible words. They both looked at each other sheepish.

Richie assessed the situation, Eddie was facing him, slightly blushing and certainly quiet for the next 30 seconds. He decided to strike.

“Hey, uh. Before you say what you were going to say, I just wanted to ask. Did you mean it when you said you were gay?” Richie definitely could’ve phrased that better, as Eddie stared backed at him with not a hint of amusement on his face.

“Did I mean it when I said I was fucking gay? Why the fuck woul-“ Before Eddie could even finish, Richie interrupted him.

“Okay, fuck. I know I said that wrong but you know what I fucking mean.” Richie kept digging his own hole and he knew it. He had literally had all afternoon to ponder how he was going to bring up the gay thing, he didn’t even doubt that Eddie was gay. But he had to put his foot in it and not only insinuate his friend was lying about his sexuality but also swear at him when he voiced valid uproar. Shit. This is why he had the nickname Trashmouth. It wasn’t because of his stupid jokes, it was his ability to fuck up even the simplest of conversation.

“Richie I swear to fucking God. I don’t fucking know what you mean when you ask me if I’m fucking sure if I am fucking gay,” Eddie nearly snarled back. It was amazing how Richie had turned a nice dinner into a serious argument so quickly. “Yes, I am gay, I just felt too fucking anxious to deal with the aftermath. I don’t know what to tell you. I only realised after we left Derry - I guess cause in college I didn’t experiment like anyone else cause my mom had convinced me that anyone I had sex with would give me HIV or herpes or some shit. Then I got married to Myra within months of meeting her in college and she was basically just It in a crazy, sort-of repulsing human form. Like, she had me convinced I just wasn’t attracted to anyone and so it was only when we went to Derry and killed It that I realised that my whole fucking life I’ve only been attracted to men and I only liked Myra because of It and also because of some weird Stockholm Syndrome shit cause she reminded me of mom after my mom died.”

Eddie took a breath after that, and honestly so did Richie. He knew it had something to do with It because all of their personal pains in the 27 years since they had last defeated it had all been because of It.

“Wow, Eds. That’s a lot to take in there. I’m sorry for saying what I said anyway, you know I didn’t mean that, I just didn’t, don’t, know how to ask what I wanted to, or even want to, ask.” Richie replied, as Eddie smiled back at him. Truth was, Richie wanted to ask if there was anyone Eddie was interested in since the big revelation, but how did he ask that? 

‘Hey bro sorry your mom basically fucked you up so much you were internally homophobic and then dated a woman who was basically your mom who also continued your Munchausens by Proxy. Oh and then you only realised you were gay, in your forties, after we defeated an inter-dimensional evil being that was preying on our town for centuries. Anyways, does gay-virgin you possibly have a crush on anyone? And does it happen to be by chance your 40 year old best friend who only came out to you this morning and also pissed you off by insinuating that you might not be gay? Yeah cause he’s been in love with you for the entirety of his fucking life, so much so that It couldn’t even make him marry a woman in the 27 years it was secretly preying on your souls.’

Yeah, Richie didn’t think that one was gonna go over well with Eds.

“Well, Rich. I don’t know what you wanna know. I guess you’re just gonna have to figure out how to ask it.” It seemed like Eddie was almost smirking at him, as if he did know, but that would make no fucking sense. Cause if he did, surely the answer wouldn’t be Richie. 

“I’m going to get more chili.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would love a few swexy kudoses (?) and comments cause they do brighten up my day!

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are much appreciated if you liked it! (if not, feel free to mouth off in the comments, I am a math major so I know my writing is trash x)


End file.
